When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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