1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
