Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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