my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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