and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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