can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
