I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
