fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
