Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
