Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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