He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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