before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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