What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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