Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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