i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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