ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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