a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
