just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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