Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
