just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
