She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
