i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
