How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
