I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
