Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
