My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
