Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
