i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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