Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
the day after is always just damage control
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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