my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.