I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
