STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
