Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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