last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
