4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
