If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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