Nicole vs. Life
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
