You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
do nipples grow back?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
