I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
