She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
