Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
