My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
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My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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