my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
