Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
COCAINE IS GR8
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
