highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
