Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
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you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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