Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
