I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
