Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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