I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
