upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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