I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
