Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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