we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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