You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
