i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
