if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I skipped work to stalk him.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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