Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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