feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
