Someone shit on the floor
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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