my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
